I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
