oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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