Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
