I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
