there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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