So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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