So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
