how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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