it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
