There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
