you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
