I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize