Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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