I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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