Tell her she can't have a vagina
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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