i permit you to call me
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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