I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
