you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
