it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
