I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
