Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
