She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
