Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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