Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
