we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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