im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
