Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
