I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
