So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
