i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
