if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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