I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
