You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
