"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
