Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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