Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
