John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
