Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
