I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
