Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
