Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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