Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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