I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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