sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
