I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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