i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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