Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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