He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
