I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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