you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
