You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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