I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
