So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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