I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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