i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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