if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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