your parents love me but you hate me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
