why didn't you poke me back
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i was born a porn star she said
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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