someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
