I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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