if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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