i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
