I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I wish you could order shots online.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
