i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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