I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize