i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
